Hairsay
by CyberMum
Summary: So... how did they cope with a captain who wasn't bald.....?


HAIRSAY  
by Cybermum   
  
My guess, and it's only my own speculation--  
These thoughts have no actual factual foundation--  
The whole situation that's dogged UPN  
Began very innocently, way back when  
The Powers That Be sat down at the table  
To toss some ideas around, and were able  
To ruminate, cogitate and conclude, in effect  
Their new little "netlet" be politically correct.   
  
"Now what gets them watching?" the execs asked their aides  
Who panicked and puzzled and consulted the trades.  
"We don't really know what seems to be working  
But we've done lots of research and Internet lurking.  
We've been to the Newsgroups and checked out web pages.  
We've consulted with experts." (They asked their teenagers.)  
And so those brave souls decreed "What the heck."  
And decided to give us another Star Trek.   
  
But Trek is a show-- we've all heard this refrain--  
That's had more incarnations than Shirley MacLaine.  
There's been Sisko, Picard, and of course Captain Kirk.  
So how could they make this newest one work?  
Well those creative boys thought long and hard about this  
And decided on something they knew couldn't miss.  
"Let's try it, let's do it, let's give it a whirl..."  
"Oh my god," cried head office; "The captain's a girl."   
  
The outcry was great and extremely long lasting.  
And even more difficult was "captain casting."  
They auditioned by hundreds, by thousands, I'm told.  
They finally settled on Genevieve Bujold.  
But as in many a saga there was a slight hitch--  
An eleventh hour captain switch.  
And who warped in to lead Voyager's crew?  
It was Mrs. Columbo, a.k.a. Kate Mulgrew.   
  
She put on the uniform and the three-inch heels  
And the Star Fleet bra (lord knows how that feels).  
She immediately took command of her ship,  
Her phaser at ready, her hand on her hip.  
Her crew gathered 'round her in total support.  
They snapped to attention when she called "Report."  
The Powers That Be were thrilled with her flair,  
Until someone noticed...this captain's got hair.   
  
Now what were those red-faced execs going to do  
With a captain who actually needed shampoo?  
For if we remember each previous leader,  
To whom Captain Janeway was a natural succeeder,  
They had one common and noticable characteristic.  
Their pates were exceedingly militaristic.  
And so it began with the first set of rushes.  
They started to chase after Kate with hair brushes.  
  
"Let's leave it alone in a natural way."  
"No, flip it under, perhaps it will stay."  
"What will we do with this girl at the helm?"  
"We'll try something else, and then we'll re-film."  
They pinned and they curled and they combed and they teased,  
But nothing they did kept the bosses appeased.  
Until they came up with a 'do' most surreal--  
The infamous, torturous, great 'bun of steel.'   
  
That lasted a while, much to our surprise  
It turned into a viable compromise.  
But once the hair came down to reveal  
The captain had a bit too much sex appeal  
It might scare that sacred demographic  
If the captain began to stop space traffic.  
So the hair got twisted up again  
And there for a time it did remain.   
  
But once in a while throughout the seasons,  
And never for any obvious reasons,  
The 'hair thing' would surface much to our dismay,  
And discussion would rise round the 'cooler' next day:  
"Last night was a braid, now we liked that a lot--  
Did it really help to progress the plot?"  
"And what about the ponytail? Was that a tiny bit downscale?"   
  
And now we have the shorter style,  
So changeable it makes us smile,  
It's long, it's short, it's puffed, it's flatter,  
But are these the things that really matter?  
We tune into Voyager every week  
What is it that we really seek?  
To watch her steadfast crew in action?  
Or gauge our latest hair reaction?   
  
The Powers That Be should be aware  
That sometimes captains can have hair.  
That even in a space pursuit,  
It is okay to be hirsuit.  
So let her be and let her act  
Or perhaps one day Kate will react.  
And then we'll hear she's up and called  
And said 'Next year I'll be back - bald." 


End file.
